Still thinking about captives and entire season 9 so far

I love that the fandom is so supportive of Dean and sensitive to the fact that Dean has such a poor self-image.  His self-esteem issues and abandonment issues have been well documented (and very, very well acted by Mr. Ackles).  For the fandom to rally so whole-heartedly and come so quickly to Dean’s defense in light of Sam’s recent actions towards his brother, as a Dean-girl it warms my soul.  Those moments showing Dean’s shock and hurt and feelings of betrayal and abandonment at the hands of Sam breaks my heart every week.  Like most – I have the newly unwrapped box of tissues close by for those last 10 minutes of the episode.

I believe that every single second and conceivable emotion from Dean’s Point of View has been discussed, mulled over, and dissected in every possible manner by every tweet, blog, and article I read.  This is why I would like to explore the character that I believe in recent episodes is beginning to become completely misunderstood by most fans…  Sam.

I almost feel like the fans have forgotten that Sam too has major self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, intimacy issues, mommy issues, daddy issues, authority issues, and those are just the first issues that I can remember from psychology 101 class.  We are talking about a guy who refuses to think of the MOL bunker as home because he is afraid that if he does, it will be taken away from him.  Almost all the women in his life that he has loved have been killed.  He has never felt the unconditional love a mother or father is supposed to give a child.  He never felt that he had his father’s approval.

For that matter, if you remember Sam’s confession to Dean in episode 823, he never has felt that he has fully had Dean’s approval either.  His biggest regret was that he believes he has always lets Dean down.  Is it any wonder that with such heavy guilt weighing over him, when Dean asked him not to finish the trials, in the heat of the moment he did exactly what his big brother asked?  The same brother and protector and idol, who was the closest thing he had to a caring parental figure (besides Bobby), who he desperately wants to live up to and seeks the respect of at any cost?  Of course he stopped the trials when Dean asked.  Of course, he believed Dean when told stopping was the right thing to do- that there would be other ways to stop the demons.

But the demons keep killing.  And now, Dean has teamed up with the very worst of them- Crowley.  What was it that Sam asked Dean in that church?  Who would be next in line to be Dean’s favorite confidant instead of Sam?  Another angel?  Another vampire?  No, now it seems to be the King of Hell.  Once again, Sam is playing second fiddle.  **Yes- feel free to argue this point until you’re blue in the face but remember- I’ve had 3 glasses of wine, and this is my opinion of the way I think Sam may be seeing the situation – not yours 😉 **

This being feeling of being pushed aside again, comes after Sam has been lied to and deceived by the one person who he has trusted above all others for all of his life.  The person who Sam has spent his life trying to measure up to has not only let him down, but has rationalized his actions in the way Sam has done in the past, and has been chastised by Dean over and over for doing so.

I do not doubt for a second that Sam, seeing how things have played out, feels horribly guilty for even just being alive right now.  Dean may have been the one who tricked him into being possessed by the angel who killed Kevin, but Sam still feels Kevin’s blood on his hands- even if it wasn’t really him doing the killing.  Even worse, I’m sure that Sam has come to see the whole situation as if Dean has traded Kevin’s life for his.  With Sam’s low feeling of self worth, doubled by his self-loathing at the horrible things he remembers Gadreel doing, I truly believe Sam feels that his life, that him being alive right now, was not worth it.  He has said as much to Dean.

Dean has turned his pain inward, on himself in the form of drinking and depression.  Sam, while also depressed and feeling guilty, is lashing out with his pain on the only target he has- Dean.  Many people keep expressing that they are surprised that Dean is “putting up with” Sam’s behavior, but as someone who can relate very closely with Dean – after spending years of taking abuse, whether physical or emotional, in order to protect someone you love – you are not going to walk out on them, especially when you know they are hurting.  Dean knows that Sam is hurting.  Taking my parent’s abuse in place of my siblings is something I have done for years in the name of protecting them.  It would literally take an act of God for me to stand by and let them suffer, so please believe that this is something I know a little bit about.

I truly think that at the heart of the matter is the idea Sam has that his life is not as important as Kevin’s life was.  That he believes that his life is not worth as much as any of the people dying and being tortured at the hands of the demons he didn’t stop by closing hell forever.  That he did what Dean asked only to impress and gain his brother’s approval in that church, but thinks that is has gotten neither.  That he now believes that the consequences have been too high, proving without a doubt (to him) that he was not worth saving.  Sam thinks that Dean paid too high a price and has paid with innocent people’s blood, which is on his hands now too.

Do I believe any of that?  Of course not!!  I know Dean’s heart was in the right place when he saved Sam and as a viewer, of course I’m glad my favorite fictional brothers are both alive and here to fight another day – I’m just trying to see things from Sam’s POV which I think has been mysteriously vague and lacking these past few episodes..  Which I’m hoping has been intentional and all will be revealed at a later date.

There is a glimmer of hope though.  Time heals, and that is what Sam needs most. He stopped at the door, as if he was thinking about going back to talk to Dean at the end of this last episode.  Maybe walking away was his way of keeping himself from saying another hurtful thing to Dean.

Also, Sam has made a habit of running away from situations throughout the series and back-stories (his dad, his girl, etc) but for once, he is staying put.  All be it, up until now has been sticking around to insult and throw hurtful words at Dean, but at least it’s better than taking off for parts unknown.  Baby steps, but steps none-the-less.  And fandom- let’s be honest.  If things were smooth sailing between these two beautifully flawed characters and they were best’ies just hunting down monsters – this wonderful road would not have lasted for 9, going on 10 year.  So cheers, feels, tissues, another glass of wine, and enjoy.  It’s called Drama for a reason, my love.